Lets be honest... we all want to be heard way more than we want to hear others., at least for the most of us, its our selfish tendency. Being a good listener is a jewel of a character trait. I sit right between being a great listener and looking for the niche to be a great solution creator! Don't get me wrong this is not perfect, I sometimes use the wrong one at the wrong time. Im still human and a work in progress or as one of my coaches would say "I'm green and growing not ripe and rotten".
This past week I found myself in mixed groups of people all serving on this mission trip that I went on (which was FABULOUS, and I'll tell you more later) The consensus that I heard was that one or the other in a relationship and/or marriage is the listener and one is the fixer, before these conversations I would be the first to throw the guys under the bus as not being the greatest listeners but desiring to fix the problem being heard way before the story was even out of the mouth of the story teller. But I learned that women do it to! Who knew! Just kidding, it's in all of us. So as I was talking to these men and women, it was no suprise to me but I learned again, that each of us desires to be heard when we are having challenges or problems, both percieved or actual. We need each other to get through our day!
There are friends and spouses in this world that defy this nature and can understand the story teller even without words, when others can hear you speak a million words only to be still confused and now frustrated themself. Someday I hope to grow to be the best listener I can be.
The only way I can see is to define what you need first off! Yep you, the story teller, the one who is speaking. Sometimes, we know that we just need a listener to rattle some ideas around in our head and heart.. maybe its a problem personally or with business, sometimes we already know that we need advice and help from the person that we went to. Be specific.. words like "can you listen to me about this problem/concern I'm having" "I know you can help me with this challenge, could you help me figure this out". You are giving your listener the stage to know what it is they are expected to do! It seems simple, but think about all the communications challenges you personally have had when you aren't being listened to or not being helped, that just this simple setting of a stage couldve helped. I think of the first years of my marriage, oh my! this would have been golden nuggets of wisdom in figuring out who we were and how to communicate.
Ok, now for the listener... to be a good listener you need to listen. Simple right? Not so much, some of our brains go right to how can I help fix this problem they are having?, where in my experience have I worked through this? What would I do if I was going through this? Relying on our wisdom is a wonderful gift, if that is what the story teller needs. But first you have to find out. You have to simply listen and find out what it is they need. As you are listening you can find the clues that the story teller is telling you. If this isn't clear... wait for it.... ASK! When you are first correcting this very common problem in relationships, it might be ackward to ask am I listening or am I fixing? But so many people both male and female, husband and wife, friends have said to me, WOW that would make my life so much easier!
It seems easy enough to me, yet I find myself on the wrong side of a conversation doing the exact opposite of what that person needs. So when I acknowledge this error I will stop, and verify what it is they are going through and set the stage again for myself, if I am listening or solution creating! I'm learning to be better and better everyday.